I’m up to chapter four in ‘There’s a Hole in My Love Cup’ by Sven Erlandson.
To look back or not to look back?
Sven’s an ‘it’s all from your childhood’ counsellor. I was a former eye-roller at that kind of therapy message and more of a ‘build a bridge and get over it’ kinda girl. Unless you had a truly horrific childhood, which I didn’t, so I didn’t feel I had the right to go there. I had great parents that I love and respect and a beautiful childhood so it felt disloyal to ‘blame my childhood’ for any bad habits in my adulthood. That coupled with a positive outlook kept me well away from going there!
When positivity becomes negatively charged
I’m journaling about the ways I hide or run away as one of the steps in the book. Relentless positivity was a very effective shield in my past. I woke up to the damage it does by realising it had kept me from facing the truth during the disastrous years of my former marriage. Even if the truth is ugly and painful, it’s so much better than living a lie. It’s relief, freedom, breathing out, and getting your life back. An ugly truth weighs so much less on your heart than a pretty lie.
How to look back without the guilt
I’ve started to buy into Sven’s view and I’m following his book’s guidance. I knew what I was in for from watching his videos before buying the book. Sven talks well of his parents, respectfully and lovingly so I’m now able to disassociate being disrespectful to my parents, the good home they provided me, and the necessity to dig up the root of anything self-limiting. Sven teaches that even the most well-meaning parents can imprint some not-so-positive self-beliefs on you. So with my guilt gently put to one side (thanks Sven) my mind has permission to ‘go there’ on this journey.
Getting healthier
While working on getting healthier spiritually, I’m also working on getting healthier physically. I’ve signed up for ‘Second Nature’ which provides a journey of education from eating to sleeping and the power of exercise. It backs everything up with the research and the science bit is pretty interesting and sometimes quite surprising. For example, learning that repeating ‘Omm’ during meditation has the effect of significantly reducing blood pressure compared to lifestyle changes alone, interesting…
I’m not unhealthy but there’s room for improvement so I also joined up at a health club. I purposely joined a more expensive club with a huge variety of classes and sports. It’s worked a treat because I’m going lots to get my money’s worth. Yoga is my happy place, it is beautiful and powerful, and time on the mat is an inward journey in a welcoming peaceful environment. To try new things, and mix up it up, I decided to attend a taster class for something I’d never heard of before called ‘Blaze’. I’d walked past the special room for it on the way to the changing rooms most days and was curious. It’s not easy putting yourself out of your comfort zone but then I didn’t know yoga would become a comfort zone until I tried it and kept trying.
Outside my comfort zone
That’s how I found myself with 3 others and an instructor in the special neon lit ‘Blaze’ room. It’s a full-body HIIT workout. I’m in my 50s, they were in their 20s but that’s never bothered me as I don’t tend to see age or put much weight in people’s numbers. They’d all done this type of training before, I hadn’t – there were treadmills and boxing equipment and weight stations. I explained I was new and asked a question about how this type of class is good for you. The prickly instructor, who was a far cry from the warm zen-like, welcoming yoga teachers I’m used to, replied (not concealing her impatience well), “I’ll go through everything as I go.” Spoiler, she never answered my question. Next, we were hooked up to monitors and fitted for boxing gloves. I steadied my nerves, put a smile on, and ‘got with the programme’, (a common saying in my sports-mad country of origin). I loathe running but we were set off to sprint, then perform a series of complex knee-hating exercises and taught to hit a boxing bag in a few short minutes. I felt ill-prepared but did it anyway and entered the heralded ‘red zone’ the instructor was so hell-bent on getting us all into. I tried another question at the end of the class explaining this wasn’t really for beginners, she took umbrage with that, like it was a personal insult. I was trying to learn but it wasn’t working and I felt uncomfortable and unwelcome.
Sports and self-esteem
I can take that and not let it impact my self-worth, my Grandmother always told me, ‘no-one can make you feel small unless you let them.’ It did however remind me of the feeling of not being good enough when I was a kid as I wasn’t naturally sportingly-gifted like all the other kids. If you think that’s an exaggeration, it’s not, if you grew up in New Zealand you’d know already it’s not. Kiwi culture is good-natured and loves an underdog, so the fact I’d keep trying and turn up I’d be met with encouragement. Like the dreadful cross-country races that were mostly hell for me but fun for everyone else. I’d be met with cheers upon finishing last, even though the other kids had to wait quite a while before I finally got across the finish line, soaked, bruised and covered in mud. So, why I wondered had not being good at sport made me feel not good enough? I had other talents. Then I remembered that those talents didn’t matter as much when I was a kid, being good at sports was what counted. At least that’s the message I got. Oh and full disclosure, I wasn’t so late finishing school cross country races just by being a slow runner, I was distracted by seeing a pretty flower, wanting a chat with a fluffy sheep and writing poetry in my head about the clouds. I never really got why we were running, you miss all the good stuff.
Down the rabbit hole
I got to go to rugby live matches with my Dad at weekends when I was 7 or 8 years old, to watch his favourite team play. I loved those times, it was just the 2 of us and I felt special and seen and privileged to share what I knew was super important to him. He’d buy me chips at half time, this was a real treat in my young life, we didn’t have ‘junk food’ at home, ever. My brother, academically and sportingly gifted, was rebelling by playing football instead of rugby. He was the team captain but that didn’t matter, it was the wrong sport. He later took up rugby and on that day I stopped going to Dad’s rugby matches with him and my brother went instead. I accepted this as how it was, and didn’t complain. I learned I didn’t matter as much. Woah! There it is! I didn’t matter as much… Ok, clearly Sven is onto something here. I’ve been wandering the earth for decades since having no idea that that was stamped on me!
Get a good coach
I won’t be going back to Blaze, the instructor sucks. However, I do thank her for starting a thread which was a feeling I followed back to a memory. Her classes aren’t for me, but I will return to a different trainer at my club who recently got me to push a weighted sled, with him on it, quite some distance. How did he do this? Because I didn’t think I could! His face told me ‘you got this’ with a look of quiet confidence, that’s how he did it. It’s amazing what you can do, even the hard-core, unfamiliar, scary stuff when you’ve got a good coach.
My new life at 50 