Why does Sven hate yoga? This is what I’ve been wondering. I’m about halfway through ‘There’s a Hole in my Love Cup’ book by Sven Erlandson and there have been some references to yoga grouped into the ‘not so good’ camp.
Return to the Island
I’ve recently returned from an Ibizan yoga holiday, one I do every year. I go because it combines multiple things I love; Ibiza, sea swimming, laying on a hot sandy beach, sunrise yoga, learning, and Spanish food and sangria. I usually go on my tod (solo) and use the time as an inward journey and a safe place to get truly comfortable with solo-ness. It’s predominantly women there, the men are one gay couple and a couple of awkward-looking husbands who’ve been persuaded to join their partners. That’s maybe it, yoga is all just a bit too girly for Sven.
We’re not all Love and Namaste
It’s fair to say, I’ve learned at these yoga holidays, where you have a concentration of 200 or more women, not all yogis are the kind of energy you want to be around, including some of the teachers. I’ve also found that learning to be ok in your own company can make some other women mightily uncomfortable! So, there is some effort required to dodge others’ issues and reflections even in such a holistic, wellness, spiritual holiday setting. Making it a good training ground, with these challenges, to learn to stay in my own lane, happy and peaceful regardless of others’ disapproval of being different. There’s plenty of activities provided for those uncomfortable being alone, and they’re popular – the huge lines of ‘silent disco’ dancers attest to that. I did, without seeking, ‘find my tribe’ as my new Canadian friend put it. This occurred when only a few of us turned up for a workshop to learn about Yoga Counselling and the same people turned up later to a Kundalini breath workshop, we just clicked and started to talk and participate more because of it. The Canadian wisely said, “You always wind up finding your tribe eventually.” Little group of colourful oddballs, I liked them all.
My World is Changing
Working through the journaling and lessons in the book is changing me, changing my view of the world, of people, and of situations. I feel more at peace with what’s past and even thankful for the learning, yes I’ve heard those words a million times but now I actually feel it and the old regret has melted away.
I was told to my surprise recently by someone close that I’m an emotional person. This was a surprise to me, but she’s right, opening up through this process is making me more emotional because I’m in my feelings more. Examining this I’ve realised I was always an emotive child, expressing things BIG but that didn’t go down so well, and it certainly wasn’t welcome in adult corporate life in a male-dominated industry so I packed it away. Which appeared to make life easier, but a lot less authentic -so it’s all getting unpacked now and it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant but it’s real. I’ll take real over pleasant, thank you Sven. I’m quite incredulous at what I’d forgotten! Journaling has helped un-surface important aspects of who I am and who I’m not.
Genie Magic
The guidance has continued to pop-up like a genie. If I’m questioning something or deluding myself – Poof! Some information appears in front of my eye’s telling me exactly what I need to hear in that moment. This isn’t a surprise to me, I do believe guides and guidance is sent when you’re trying to do the work. God loves a trier as the old saying goes! Because I’m following Sven’s guidance through the book, it’s made easy for me by usually appearing as a Sven video in my feed at just the right moment. Recently, because I’d got to a place where I could have a memory of Jessie, my ex, without the pain, I’d imagined a scenario where it’s all good now and if we ever ran into each other in the street we could greet with civility, like old friends who haven’t seen each other for a time. Then Poof! Sven popped up to say, “People with extreme lack of self-worth coupled with extreme self-interest seek revenge because (you leaving them/standing up to them) reminds them of their pain.” Woah! Home run, I hear you and I know that’s the truth. Far from healed – because he’ll have refused to do the work and instead have just found a replacement for me – he’ll still be raging and although he pushed me into it with his tail-spin of destructive behaviour, I know he’ll have found a way to blame me because it’ll be very painful. He’ll also have moments of being quietly impressed I had the balls, and moments of being pleased I saved myself (all his language) but mostly he’ll be raging. And the person, me, who was there to talk him down is no longer there to do that. I loved him truly and because of that, I know him well – there’s no kumbaya moment here, that’s just wistful thinking.
Turning the lens
It’s made me realise I know intimately another person, how they feel, why they feel that way, and all the nuances – so why have I been struggling to turn that lens on myself? I’m finding the answers in Sven’s book so I believe I’m making progress.
Interestingly, my weekend yoga class with my favourite teacher, who is all good energy, non-judgement, and fun, went through what the yoga yama Satya means – Truthfulness, and she explained, in yogic terms all the same things Sven explains in kickass terms.
My essence is my truth. Namaste.
My new life at 50 