Last Day – Camp Sven

Everything begins with a Question

The power of a question. That’s where it all started and I’m marvelling now at the power of a question. ‘What’s wrong with me?’, The question that started my journey with Sven Erlandson’s self-help book, ‘There’s a Hole in My Love Cup’. I knew intimately what was wrong with my lover. I had focused my energy on finding, deciphering, and untangling the strong old vines strangling him – and then one day I stopped, just for a moment, to consider myself amongst all his chaos. Why am I putting more energy into his well-being than my own? There’s got to be something wrong with me, it occurred, and there it was, the question that started the journey. It turns out I was right, Sven sums it up nicely when I got to the last quarter of his book – “Healthy people aren’t in relationships with unhealthy people.” Period! Some powerful truth right there.

Changing the Focus

Through the book’s guidance, I turned the focus on myself. My intuition had told me to stop, pause, and be alone – to figure this stuff out before I repeat it. Now I’ve finished the book I can say I view things differently – the past, the injustices, the pain, the lessons and messages taught. It’s lifted the veil of ‘other’ views and values, outside my own. That’s truth-finding, and as they say, and I believe – only the truth can set you free. Of course, not everyone values freedom – but I do! I highly value it.

Rage and Saying Goodbye

In the bonus section, I read about one of Sven’s clients. This client was living with so much rage, given to him by an abusive father, although ‘successful’ (well, Western society’s common view of it), his rage spilled over to the people he loved. His inner beliefs so different from his loved ones’ messages – they didn’t take. And, the games to create ‘proof’ he’d love for real. All so familiar, he was describing my ex, Jessie. The girlfriend in Sven’s story persevered past the challenges and tests, she probably knew exactly what they really were, and why they were, like I had. I wondered though, if she had been Sven’s client and not the ‘Jessie’, what he’d have said? Is it so great for her that she’s persevered? Or would a healthy person be in a relationship with someone like this client? More questions… The common response would be, she loves him. Loving someone gets a hard rep as a reason or excuse for relationship abuse. I truly loved Jessie but is that a good reason to accept the relationship becoming unbalanced and no longer a safe place for me? Ultimately, leaving was an act of self-love and love towards him. Staying would have not only resulted in my being swallowed whole into a dark chaotic world, but he’d never learn a lighter path either. That isn’t love.  

Swallowed Alive

There’s a part of Sven’s book that talks about ‘fear of consumption’. It resonated, it means someone enjoying the freedom of singledom after a lifetime of relationships because they fear being consumed again by someone else’s life. Or just someone else, full stop. I’m concerned about it for sure, it’s a big part of the reason I took this Sven journey in the first place – so I make the changes in me to re-course so that’s not something I’d need to fear for the future. I believe taking time out to have a relationship solely with yourself, turn the love in on yourself, the focus in on yourself – it’s so important, and fulfilling. Though first I needed to stop seeing it as something ‘selfish’ to be able to do it.

Going it alone

At the weekend I attended a festival in deepest rural Suffolk. It covers acres and acres of a lush countryside estate, complete with its own lake. I bought the tickets some months back and Jessie was going to attend with me, as were another couple. As it turned out, it was just me that went. Me and one of my dogs. Once I would never have thought of going alone as an option. Truly enjoying my life and doing the things I want to do sometimes depends on being able to go-it-alone. So I fixed my mind-set and headed off on the long drive there. The festival has multiple stages with mainly country and rockabilly-style music. My favourite place to be is on the hay bales in front of the red barn stage. It’s all bluegrass and some proper ‘te-ting-ting-ting’ banjo-strumming style country. Now you know why I have to go alone! This kind of thing is not a popular genre in the UK. It’s becoming more so but I’ve been into it for some years and none of my friends, bar one who couldn’t make it, have caught up on how great country music is. I love the vibe there also, being on this beautiful land, all the delicious catering trucks and vintage caravans selling homemade lemonade, and Americana specialties like gumbo and mac n cheese. I feel right at home in such an environment, wandering through the long grass in cowboy boots with only a dog for company and the smell of fire-pits, summer, and the sound of live country music in the air. But this ain’t Tennessee, its Suffolk – so this isn’t exactly typical. I love it though!

Keep Asking, Keep Questioning

If I’ve learned nothing else, and I’ve learned a lot, one of the things I’ll be doing from here on in is asking more questions and checking in with myself. I’ll not be ignoring closed doors and kicking them in, I know I can but I now also know – I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t – it’s a very bad idea! If it’s shut or like trying to walk through treacle, it’s for a reason and someone wiser in charge, I like to say ‘my angels’ but whoever it is for you, they’re guiding with a resounding, ‘ Oh! Hell No!’ I’ll also be prioritising what brings me peace, what brings me joy and experiencing it as an act of love. All in all, I’ve loved this book and highly recommend it – but I guess it’ll come your way, or some version of the same teaching, when you’re asking for it.