In it, alone

We had our problems, that was for sure. But I’d believed it was a bad patch, marriages can go through whole bad years of those – I was playing the long game and believed we’d get to the happy life together I’d always envisaged. Apparently, we weren’t in on that together though. He’d already given up on me years ago, he’d just forgotten to tell me.

Hospitals and police-stations

I was paying all the bills and he was continuing to behave like a reckless teenager. Finding him passed out after partying or not even home at all by 8am was so commonplace I’d long ago stopped calling the hospital and police station in fits of fear he was hurt somewhere. He continued to promise he’d start to come home at a reasonable hour, or at least let me know where he was, but it never happened, and he went out after work (which he finished late) most nights. When he was home, he was surly, grumpy, bossy and frequently criticised me. His verbal abuse was so bad I learnt to completely mute him to survive it, then I’d be jolted out of that as he’d yell, “You never listen to me!” I did explain why when he was in better moods and he’d apologise, then the merry-go-round would start up again.

No fool like an old fool

Even as I’m writing this, I’m seeing what a fool I sound like. I was a fool but I’m not the type to be a doormat. I believed in our love and our marriage, I really truly thought we could sort it out and things would get better. Ok, I can see now I was deep in my own web of lies, I guess I just wanted to believe so bad we’d get back to that loving place and build a happy future together.

It’s important to understand my ex is very charismatic, charming and the life-of-the-party. He knows how to say all the right things to a woman and he’s passionate. The thing is you just never know who you’re going to get one day from the next. He has his demons, many of them and I understood that. I guess what I didn’t understand is that I couldn’t fix them for him. I made a lot of excuses for him is the truth. Ultimately, he never did anything to deal with his own demons other than try to drown them in alcohol or take the frustrations of his past out on me.

Published by JoJo

Confessional writer, starting over at 50 - I promise you brutal honestly with a few laughs along the way.

9 thoughts on “In it, alone

  1. I can relate to much of this. I’m 56 and a great deal of my rage right now is self-directed because I just kept trying when it was clear it wasn’t working. I just kept loving when it was clear my love was being taken for granted. And charming? Oh yes. For both marriages, people just can’t believe I left such a nice guy. So affable and easygoing. To that I want to say, “YOU live with him! Then get back with me on that.” But I am “the leaver” so I must have messed it up, right?

    We will get through all this healing and hurting. Somehow. I wish you the best and much strength and peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Amen. These are the most difficult of situations. A charismatic man who privately manipulates and abuses his partner are the most dangerous kind. I have spent 25 years trying to hold them accountable. Some I just put un jail. Proud of you for finding the strength and courage to separate yourself from his portrayal of you and for starting to rebuild at 50. I get that, too! You can do it.

    Liked by 1 person

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