One of my birthday presents was an Autumn Harvest Queen art workshop via video-call. I attended with my dear friend Kallie and 4 other participants. We’d been sent art materials in the post and been told to get comfy with pillows and blankets for 7pm. Our hostess was a spiritual woman with gentle and joyful energy that emanated through my laptop.
We’d experienced the Equinox and autumn was certainly ushering in with wilder wind and rain. I’d collected leaves, bark and berries as instructed and their smell next to me was uplifting and soothing at the same time. Especially the dried English lavender. I’d not felt right about just ripping leaves from trees and luckily, we’d had instructions to ask permission first which made a big difference. Through my reunion tour travels I’d gathered my natures bounty from friends’ gardens and the magical Avebury standing stones area.
I learnt in the workshop that this time of year is about letting go, the autumn equinox is here and so the tides of the earth change. The night and day are of equal length, everything balanced. Darkness starts to take over and our days get shorter. We reap what we’ve sewn and let go of what we no longer want or need.
A time of peace, I’ve been looking forward to that longingly and preparing for it for some time. I’m ready to let go, it’s been a long time coming, too long. This has also been a gift because initially I was in no way prepared to let go; it would have been too big a shock. Because it’s taken so long to separate from my ex, having been forced to continue to live together during the pandemic, I’m now not only ready but looking forward to it. My ex has been living in the new home I’d organised for myself, to start my new life without him. He wanted to leave me; told me he didn’t want me but followed me to my new home. A variety of calamities including the virus put us in this situation and we’ve been living peaceably under the one roof for months now, but it’s really time for him to go his own way.
I made a mandala (circle) with my leaves, branches, berries, ribbons and other treasures – it symbolises coming full circle and harmony. It’s meditative and brings calmness, clarity and emotional stability – so a great thing to do in such times! I have my mandala set up in my bedroom now so I can sleep and dream in its beautiful nature energy.
Letting go, now that’s a real art. Mastering it really is some Grasshopper Shaolin monk, mind-bending shit. Forgive? When you’ve been betrayed and stepped all over something inside rebels at the very suggestion. Isn’t that making it ok? Making it all ok you treated me badly, it’s totally all ok you lied and betrayed me, over and over… If I even try to think about forgiving you am I saying it’s ok to treat me badly again and you get off scot-free… It’s a real head-fuck for sure and I’ve seen my friends wrestle with it also.
Forgiving – it’s hard to do
Marisa Peer’s guided forgiveness meditation really helped me get my head round it. She’s so great, Sadie recommended listening to her and it’s one of the best decisions I ever made. I’ve since recommended her YouTube tutorials and meditations to loads of people and without fail her simple “I am enough” therapy works. Being a friendship circle of Brits, Scots and Antipodeans, we squirm uncomfortably with any mantras that would sound a little overindulgent to our ears. “I am enough” is everything. Truth I’ve always thought has a certain ring to it – you recognise it when you hear it and hearing and telling yourself “I am enough”, well, just do it and you’ll see what I mean. Do yourself a favour and keep on doing it as well.
So, it’s thanks to Marisa Peer I learnt forgiving is the key to letting go and freedom. Freedom from the rabbit-holes of “what if”, “if only” and “I want to fucking kill you and your whore too!”
I still don’t know what’s around the corner for me, but I presume it’s awesome and I know I deserve awesome. I just have to learn my lessons from the past, forgive, let go, grow and da-da! Hey presto! I’ll be in better days.
I’ll let you know when I get there – in the meantime none of this bullocks has stopped me laughing and having a good time – thanks to having a circle of fabulous friends. Grab your friends, even on video-chat and as my country crush Luke Bryan sings “Lettin’ go a little, little by little, sippin’ on a frozen drink… One Margarita, Two Margarita, Three Margarita, Shot! Don’t worry ‘bout tomorrow, leave all your sorrow out here on the floatin’ dock….” and everything already feels ok – and breathe…