Day 6 – Camp Sven

Unhealthy habits, ones I’ve been embroiled in for decades, they’re going, going, gone. One of the great side-effects of ‘doing the work’ to get healthier in my heart, in my mind, in my soul – healthier in spirit and a place of “filling my own love cup”, is that I’m also getting physically healthier as well. Stands to reason when you appreciate it’s all connected. All part of my journey self-healing with the guidebook, ‘There’s a Hole in my Love Cup’ by Sven Erlandson.

Where’s the Fear at?

It’s scary. Sven writes a lot about how becoming completely who you are and living an authentic life is very scary. I’m not that scared, so I’ve been wondering if I am really and where’s my fear at? It sounds like, from what I’m reading, it’s usually a fear of judgement and rejection by those closest to you – when you’re not fitting ‘in your place’ in the whole eco-system anymore. I can imagine in a large family unit, or even a small one that’s close-knit, that would be terrifying.

Family Roles

I’ve watched big family units on picnics in the park or on holidays, you see them when on European vacations as it’s not uncommon for Europeans such as Italians, Spanish and French to travel as big family groups. I’ve watched smiling thinking how lovely they are and wondering what it is like to operate in one of these group scenarios. Seeing a French family at breakfast on my Ibizan holiday, two youngish teenagers, Mum, Grandparents and an Aunty and Uncle. I tried to work out whose playing what role and I mindlessly wondered if the teenagers got to express their true selves or had they been type-cast years earlier and were trying to figure a way out. Later in my reading Sven writes on this topic.

Independence Day

A long forgotten goal was dusted off, I remembered something through all this wondering and reading – I remembered I wasn’t operating in this kind of group unit because that’s what I choose, back when I was a small child. I couldn’t wait to get out, get away, be independent, explore, and have adventures! I have a lovely family and I had a lovely childhood but I remember the strong childhood yearning to find a place where I could freely make all my own decisions and do whatever I want, be whoever I want. There was so much to see and do – out there. It felt exploring and adventure would be a whole lot easier without the confinement and judgement of family. If you’re in a place no-one knows your pre-ordained role or personality assigned by those closest to you – then the world truly is your oyster. I daydreamed a lot about what adventures I’d have and places I’d see when I was finally old enough to run away.

Where’s my Rucksack

And when I was old enough, I did. I did just that and I kept on doing it until I landed up living many flight hours away in a different land. It’s still pretty easy for me to pack up and go live somewhere else on a whim, I’ve done it often. One of my favourite things in life is travel – experiencing new places, new cultures, new food, new points-of-view. I’m happy I’ve now remembered this was all ‘on purpose’, because I miss my family too and sometimes wondered now I’m past 40 if I did the right thing. I see now I wouldn’t have had, or felt I had, the freedom to ‘do me’ if I hadn’t left. Now, I guess, when I visit my family in my home country I get to be the ‘eccentric aunt’ role, the one with a strange accent who’s tried and failed a lot. I’m good with that, living has always been more important to me than failing or not.

Saying Goodbye

So who am I scared to lose if I morph and change? I can’t really think of anyone but I guess I’ll find out as Sven predicts we all lose people when we grow, evolve, and live a more authentic life. Looking back I learnt the lesson in my young adult life to say goodbye quickly to friendships with people who just take and who made me unhappy, angry, sad – just weren’t positive energy in my life. Once you’ve done that once it’s much easier after that because you’ve by then experienced the benefits. Sure it hurts when you’ve cared and loved someone, and I had some guilt about hurting them by leaving them behind, but that subsides with time and ultimately you feel freer and happier and you’re relieved to not be dealing with their shit anymore.

Fear, it’s pretty debilitating. In my life I’ve found hope has probably done more damage though. Hope and guilt and, ok – actually under that was an unhealthy dose of fear when I think about it…

So here’s to feeling the fear and doing it anyway, no safety net in sight!